| (no subject) |
[Jun. 13th, 2006|12:40 am] |
moving out and moving on.
glad that's over and done with. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 27th, 2006|01:36 am] |
i'm so sick of the 1999 spice girls mentality where "girl power" is the idea that you can sleep around and dress like a prostitute. "feminism" is displaying your feminity to be objectified and enjoyed by strangers all over.
fucking idiots.
feminism is NOT using your sexuality to get what you want. feminism is NOT exploiting yourself of someone else to get some sense of power.
not that I am an expert in what feminism is, but I know for sure it is not this.
I have no respect for women - girls - who aid in their own objectification.
I have no respect for girls who have sex with people they don't care for to fill some type of void.
If you want to have sex, by all means do it. Love isn't even necessary, if that's not what you want. But don't do it seeking some sort of validation.
Its just a meaningless act.
Your body really isn't that different or new. Its just like every other naked body out there. when they're fucking you, they don't care about how flat your stomach is.
and when they're loving you, they don't care that your thighs giggle a little.
nudity is the second most boring thing in the world. second only to honesty.
i do believe that the idea of a "whore" or a "slut" is construction of the patriarchial society we live in, but why buy into it? why fulfill it?
the majority of people i am surrounded by disgust me. the "college" culture is a comodification of people and of a lifestyle that doesn't mean anything.
and we all buy into it.
...some times i just get so mad, damnit. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2006|12:36 am] |
driving north on 35 heading into the night
the suns getting easier for me to look at
I've been singing these songs about you Montana
for so long without ever even knowing it
the things that you can't see
if you look you'll find
they'll deliver everything
somewhere somehow I got everything backwards
from the gas tank to the engine
ambition sets the pistons on fire
and when you feel the distance in an empty bed
lord you'll know that you're the woman of a hard working guitar pickin' man
you know my dream has always been a freight train leaving town
I grew up small town but I always knew I'd get out of that somehow
I'm barely breathing on this stage but it's keeping me alive
there's nowhere I'd rather be than on my way home to you tonight
driving north on 35 heading into the night
the suns getting easier for me to look at
maybe Memphis TN, maybe New Orleans
maybe Arizona, I guess we'll see |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2006|01:36 am] |
i hate people who can't decide what they believe in.
i don't care if your beliefs are different than mine, but don't say you feel one thing then make a 180 in a matter of a few days.
what pisses me off more is the discovery that people i actually care about have turned into spineless malleable minons to bad influences and selfish drives.
i lose respect for shitty people pretty fast.
if i like you, do me a favor. don't disappoint me. i don't put faith in people for nothing.
what irritates me more is that i'm writing this bullshit on here instead of throwing it where it belongs. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 14th, 2006|05:03 pm] |
I DON'T GET IT
why do people do religion if they dont even like it or believe in it??
whats the point if youre just gonna make excuses the whole time?
too much of reigion is one big hypocrisy for me to believe. sorry, jesus, but i dont buy it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2006|11:07 pm] |
stuck in a hotel in the middle of nowhere by myself with my broken car.
tiiiiight
good thing i have the internet to keep me company.
and this.
which is seriously the funniest thing i have ever seen. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 26th, 2006|12:04 am] |
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SPRRRRRRRING BRRRRREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
everyone must wear bathing suits under clothes at all times. sunglasses must always be on head or face. you always have to smell like sunblock. hot tubs and swimming pools are a must. no shoes- flip flops only. unless you're a dude, because dudes have way ugly feet. drive with your windows down always. make margaritas. have a bbq. and have millions of awkward run ins with fuckers from home.
and you must yell SPPRIIIIINNNNG BREAKKK WHOOOOOOO as often as possible. banks and grocery stores and places like such are best.
too bad no one reads this. i hate you all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2006|08:18 pm] |
thanks guys, i got better.
p.s.- i love french bread
p.s.s. and i looooooove monterey jack cheeeeeeese |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 17th, 2006|10:30 pm] |
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im so sick. ive had a fever for three days. this isnt right. cure me pleeeeease |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 9th, 2006|01:17 am] |
i'm here. i wanna do something with it.
i dont want to just let opprotunities pass me by anymore.
i gotta remind myself of that more often. |
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| but anyways, ummm... yeah. |
[Mar. 5th, 2006|01:23 am] |
so walking to my car today, after work, my friend brian asks me- "do you ever get used to guys staring at you?" and i ask him "what do you mean?" and hes just like... "you know, just checking you out?" and i thought about it... and the more i thought about the more i realized how weird it is. not that i get checked out all the time, or even if i do that i don't appreciate someone telling me i'm attractive, but physical appearance is more important than anything to us. and its always a competition. and its almost always mostly a female problem. whos the cutest girl here?
this guy today at work, hes sitting at the bar, and im at the computer typing in an order. ive never spoken a word to this dude. and he says "you know, youre the cutest girl working here." and I just say "ok." and he explains that hes not trying to be sleazy and hit on me, (which just makes him sleazier,) but that he just thought i should know. so i say thank you and walk away feeling awkward, my cheeks turning red enough to be mistaken for the week old recycled shitty ketchup the dumb asshole is eating. what am i supposed to do with this information? it should, i guess, make me feel good about myself. really, it just makes me feel like shit because it shows me that above everything, above my personality or my thoughts or beliefs or morals, the fact that this guy thinks i'm cute is supposed to be my own crowning achievement that makes me better from all the other girls walking around in stupid outfits serving fries and shakes.
a couple of weeks ago i had this table of 20-somethings who had probably been out drinking before they came in. one of the guys called me honey all night long, which only irritates me more and makes me feel like im either a- 6 years old, b- not worthy of being called my name which is clearly spelled out on my name tag that hangs so delicately over my left breast, or c- by overexposing my feminity in shitty nicknames, this idiot feels as though his masculinity has been amplified and i will fall easily to my role of batting my eyelashes and giggling. on his way out, this fucker walks up to me, mid dining room, and asks me how old i am. hes creepy, i lie. 17, i say, thinking his integrity will keep him from hitting on an "underage" girl. know what he says? "babe, i just have to tell you that you have a gorgeous ass." what do i say? "its not the first time i've heard it, you'll have to be a little more creative than that. good night." and again walk away feeling 2 feet tall. thats the worst part- walking away. knowing that mother fucker is getting one last good glimpse of my ass as i walk away.
and this shit happens all the time. more than i admit, really. because its embarassing. these guys whistled once when i was with my brother, walking away from this wharehouse type place. i was the only girl in sight, and i was in sweats. and this asshole whistled, and laughed with his friend. and i was with my brother. couldn't have been more embarassed. my brother didn't know what to do, so we just both pretended like we didn't hear it. i just hang my head a little lower and put my purse behind me, so it covers my hips as i walk away. what i really want is to crawl in a hole and stop my face from turning beet red.
i don't know when hitting on a girl started to consist of making her feel objectified. i'm not trying to sit here and say that a beautiful woman shouldn't be admired once and a while, or that i don't enjoy the fact that certain people find me attractive. i would hope that any man i'm with appreciates my body and loves every damn curve. he can grab and admire as much as he wants. but MY body wasn't put here for THAT guy's pleasure. I'm not something to just walk around and look cute. You have to earn your right to enjoy me. Thats when I know i've found a guy i can really like, because he doesnt hit on me. for a guy to walk up to me like he already owns me and tell me that im this and that and all that bullshit just embarsses me, or pisses me off. this may be judgemental of me to say, but a man will never know what it feels like to be put down like that. every time something like that happens, i just feel so belittled. nothing else about me matters. smart? funny? who gives a shit. nice ass? gimme one of those.
granted, this is coming from the girl who has admitted that she would probably be a stripper if she could get over being shy. its so funny that some dumb asshole will pay to see naked chicks. pay lots of money. i think in that situation, i wouldnt be the one being exploited. the dumb, now broke, mother fucker would. a boob is a boob is a boob, youve seen one and youve seen them all. theres nothing special about it. nakedness is the second most boring thing in the world. second only to honesty. i have the same parts as everyone else. you want to pay my bills because im showing you something youve seen a million times before? whos the dumb one in that situation?
i guess my point is that no, you never do get used to guys checking you out. its never comfortable. if im with someone, i want him to look at every peice of me and love it. if im not with you, my body isn't here for you to critique and enjoy. i like to look good. ill wear whatever i want to wear, but that doesnt give you any sort of right to it. my body is just one good part of many on me. and it happens to be one that gets to be enjoyed by a very small, elite, hand-picked group. and don't assume that you're in that group. because i'm just not that easy.
you can throw me against the wall and fuck me only after you've earned a large amount of my respect and proved yourself worthy.
after that, its free game.
at a party once, a guy walks up beind me: "i could walk behind you all night. you have such a gorgeous ass." me: "you're gonna have to be a little more creative than that." him: (eyes going up and down) "you have beautiful eyes." me: "you're a fucking idiot."
oh man. |
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| APW |
[Feb. 21st, 2006|03:09 am] |
friday- class. flew home to fremont. shopping with mom, dinner at chili's with mom and brother and his gf, where i saw the whole c/o 04, and my junior high bf. niiiice. oh and my brother successfully made me laugh till i cry and spit out my drink due to laughter. at home, of course. but thats like his goal in life.
saturday- doctor, shopping with mom, big nap, dnner at cheesecake. lots of food! went out with alex chris and squeaks, ended up at a mega high school party, saw some folks. then went to another party, was happily surprised to see kendra and spent the whole night laughing about stuff when we were kids.
sunday- nails done, brokeback mountain with mom, lunch with monica, rush to the airport to catch my plane that ended up being delayed. ended up sitting in an aiport for a bunch on my bday, with a million people calling me asking me questions about my party. got kinda stressed. plane didnt get in till 9pm. came to my apartment to find everyone already ready and partying, and i hadnt even shaved my legs. got ready in a few minutes, then matt, daniel, faris, and audrey showed up! seriously, it meant a lot to have some friends from home come. i like my friends here,too, but there is nothing like a peice of home. got lots of jack, headed to my party, had a good time. friends from work came.... so much fun. came back to mass produce egg sandwiches with joe, then slumber party in my room.
monday- big breakfast at ihop, good bye to friends. big nap from like 2:30-6. shower, then take neal's gf natalie to the airport. then neal made me tasty pasta for dinner. then i mooched andy's computer and did a bunch of homeworky stuff. went to kinko's with sam after a failed attempt to copy a VHS tape. =( damn extinct technology. went to starbucks. went to alejandros...breakfast burrito. yummmmm. miami ink at andy's. more homework.
tomorrow- finish artsbridge stuff, final meeting at 12:30. tutor. dinner and show at chain! yaaay.
oh man. busy busy times.
to do:
update about artsbridge. maybe post some pics?
then again you could always just look at my myspace.
good night folks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 10th, 2006|12:55 am] |
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sometimes the best way to deal with shit is to not hold yourself as such a precious little prize. |
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| so this is the new year |
[Jan. 1st, 2006|06:44 pm] |
2005? filled with mistakes, human error, and bad judgement. 2006 will hold the same. thats the beauty of being human- its pretty damn predictable.
i fuck up constantly. everyone does. i pretend. i can paint my face a million different ways and wear different clothes to trick whomever i feel like at the moment. i can be someone you hate one day and someone you love the next. but thats just me. and thats you. we all pretend, in different ways. my appearances and my actions may be pretend- but my emotions, my essence... isn't.
i never have and never will lie about what i essentially am. i am not a liar. i won't lie about how i feel and i won't make excuses for my actions or my emotions. my actions are just shit i did- good or bad or however you want to interpret it. but i won't split my emotions into good and bad. i won't paint them black and white. and i won't lie about them. and i don't want anyone else to either. they're just there. and if you or any one else can't accept that... then you can't accept me. and i have been beautifully blessed with people that constantly forgive me. that know my humanity, usually more than i do. but i won't ask for an apology if i don't think i deserve it. i won't make excuses for my actions to make anyone- most importantly, myself- feel better.
but i can promise one thing- if i am giving an apology, i am doing so with all of my being. as cheesey as that sounds. if i say i'm sorry, i mean it. if i say i fucked up- i realize it. and no, i can't promise it won't happen again. because i make the same fucking stupid decisions over and over again. i fuck up over and over. just like every other person in the world. i act without thinking, i act selfishly. at times. and other times i give everything i have for someone else. those are the times i am proud of. and i am sure as hell not proud of everything i do. there are people that i would give everything for. these are the people that i respect, honor, love, and need the most. unfortunately these are also the people that i hurt the most. and i can only hope that the compassion in these people overrides my big fuck up, and they'll forgive me long enough to bridge the time between now and the next time i fuck up.
and i will sit there and pick other people apart for the flaws i see in myself. i will judge and ridicule and tear them apart and rip them into peices until those peices resemble something ugly that i can tear apart some more. and i realize that. but what makes me so different from them? why do i seem to think there's some line between us and them? and did i jump into the THEMS and leave the priveleged group of US?
I think new year's resolutions are fucking stupid, but this one crept up on me and shoved itself down my throat. i will not be negative anymore. i will not hold myself higher than anyone else. i will not judge. i will not make excuses for myself. i can say all that now and i'll fuck it up later. but at least i'm admitting that i do it and that i don't want to anymore.
i don't think that i'm better than you, but i don't think that i'm worse. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 31st, 2005|11:56 am] |
1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
*get my own apartment
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for 2006?
*i don't remember my new years resolutions, and i think the ones for this year are save money and stop tailgating.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
*nope
4. Did anyone close to you die?
*nope
5. What countries did you visit?
*i didnt leave the country =(
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
*money to travel
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
*aug 19th. long story
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
*gaining my individuality and being comfortable in my independence
9. What was your biggest failure?
*trying to be what i wasn't before #8 happened
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
*my heart (ditto laura)
11. What was the best thing you bought?
*heels with lips on em... so fun, lots of compliments. and a pair of jeans that i looove. expensive, but worth it
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
*my mom's. her strength is inspiring
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
*the one we don't speak of
14. Where did most of your money go?
*rent, clothes, and food
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
*my apartment!
16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
*untouchable face by ani difranco
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. are you happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? iunno
iii. richer or poorer? poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
*met more people in school
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
*hid
20. How did you spend Christmas?
*at home
21. Did you fall in love in 2005?
* i fell out of love in 2005
22. How many one-night stands?
*none
23. What was your favorite TV program?
*the oc
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
*umm... i dont think so
25. What was the best book you read?
*oh man. iunno
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
*decemberists, 30 seconds to mars
27. What did you want and get?
*strength
28. What did you want and not get?
*escape
9. What was your favorite film of this year?
*last days, and i dunno what else
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
* turned 19, had a big party where we renteed out a hookah bar with my room mate, got really drunk, then the party got shut down at 1:30 because there was a fight
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
*not questioning myself
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
*undecided in general
33. What kept you sane?
*work, teaching kids, acting, monica, writing
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
*jared leto, gwen stefani, johnny depp
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
*the war in general
36. Who did you miss?
*friends and old loves
37. Who was the best new person you met?
*coworkers!
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005?
*you can't fix someone
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
*taken out of context i must seem so strange |
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| i'm a BADASS |
[Dec. 22nd, 2005|06:20 pm] |
| | The Nymph
Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer (DBSDf)
Sly. Sensual. Guarded. Different somehow. You are The Nymph.
It appears like you're looking for a fling or a casual sexual relationship, but it's not that simple. You're a hungry but also very careful person, and this generates a certain amount of sexual tension within you and in your relationships. In other aspects of life, you get what you want. In relationships, that's not always the case.
It's possible you intimidate potential lovers. Most likely, though, you're a little closed off--therefore mysterious--and, naturally, people find that difficult to get with. Maybe it's just part of your selection Your exact opposite:
The Peach
Random Gentle Love Master
| process, though. You've been in enough relationships to know to expose yourself slowly.
When you do feel comfortable with someone, though, your torrid sexual appetite will make him very happy. Your cautious nature is also a big asset in a long-term relationship. It might take longer for love to establish itself, but when it does, it's all the stronger.
ALWAYS AVOID: The False Messiah
CONSIDER: The Playboy |
Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: xwinkwink |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 19th, 2005|06:27 pm] |
50 fun facts about jenny
(because monica tagged me)
1. I have naturally curly hair
2. I have 3 dogs and they're all pretty stupid
3. I constantly have night mares about losing my teeth
4. I'm really not into big parties.
5. ... because i get way nervous when i have to talk to strangers
6. i LOVE shitty celebrity websites and magazines.
7. i have no idea where my dad is... and sometimes i care, but most of the time i don't.
8. one of my dogs has separation anxiety.
9. i've never been on a diet.
10. i wish i had bigger boobs, just because i think itd be fun.
11. i own A TON of shoes... most i've never worn.
12. i'm obsessed with classical hollywood beauty.
13. i think girls are more interesting to look at than guys.
14. i would fuck jared leto in a heartbeat. no questions asked.
15. jake gyllenall too.
16. i'm a messy person. but not dirty. there's a difference.
17. i'll wear the same pants 5 days in a row. no problem.
18. I miss MONICA ALWAYS!!!
19. I sorta hate irvine sometimes.
20. i sorta hate fremont sometimes
21. i think i'm just restless.
22. i have no idea what i want to do with my life
23. i miss dancing
24. i miss performing.
25. i don't work out. ever.
26. i miss my twin brother more than i'd admit
27. i have a really bad temper.
28. i don't listen to the radio
29. the only illegal drug i've done is mariijuana... and i didnt like it. but im sure it wont be my last.
30. i know the words to a lot of random songs
31. ive seen every episode of sex and the city
32. if i got a million dollars, id probably spend it all on clothes.
33. i cry A LOT. makeover shows always get me.
34. i dont really have a lot of girl friends. i get along with guys a lot better.
35. i think marilyn monroe is one of the most beautiful women that ever lived.
36. it always takes me about 30 minutes and 4 changes to decide what to wear in the morning.
37. i change my clothes about 3 times a day
38. i work as a waitress... but im kind of bad at it.
39. i love love love chocolate.
40. im a picky eater, especially about the texture of foods.
41. i could sleep all day if no one woke me up
42. teeth GROSS me out.
43. fancy restaurants make me nervous
44. i'm pretty awkward around family besides my brother and mom
45. almost everytime i talk to my brother i laugh till i cry
46. i can spend a whole night driving around with monica yelling and listening to music. and love it
47. i hold grudges for a super long time. its probably a bit unhealthy
48. i enjoy people who are a bit off center.
49. i like wearing heels becuase i like the clicky sound they make when i walk.
50. im a terrible singer.
THERE MONICA. |
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| everyone one is doing it. |
[Dec. 18th, 2005|04:44 pm] |
FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE:
1. assistant coach at score
2. waitress at johnny rockets baby
3. tutor
4. ...thats about all
FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD (AND DO!) WATCH OVER AND OVER:
1. Fight Club
2. Clueless
3. Requiem for a Dream
4. Almost Famous
FOUR CITIES YOU'VE LIVED IN:
1. Fremont
2. Redwood City
3. Irvine
4.
FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH:
1. the OC
2. real world
3. project runway
4. americas next top model
FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION:
1. tahoe
2. texas
3. san diego kinda
4. las vegas
FOUR WEBSITES YOU VISIT DAILY:
1. myspace
2. facebook
3. uci webmail
4. hollywood rag. haaha... guilty pleasure
FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS:
1. pho
2. swedish fish
3. breakfast burritos
4. french toast
FOUR PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
NOWHERE!! I'm home bitches. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2005|03:29 am] |
i can't sleep AND myspace is under matientence unti 5am!!!!!!!!!!
THE WORLD IS A CRUEL CRUEL PLACE!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2005|11:33 pm] |
WHOA i have a livejournal? i forgot.
i think im going to crosspost this, because im a big nerd.
FINALS ARE OVER!!!!!!!
my eyeballs hurt. ouchie.
wow people are way too intense on here. fyi- livejournal is not a good place to cry for help. you are a sad story if this is the only place you can look for help.
anywho...
my finals are over and what am i doing? sitting at home. i must be the most boring person ever. i'm really just not into partying anymore. getting all dressed up and walking around a crowded club/bar/house that feels like a sauna with sketchy guys hitting on you? hmm. count me out.
i must go shopping. and christmas shopping. eep.
so i teach 4th graders drama and i ordered a play for them to do and im way excited. its going to be super cute.
i miss my mommmm! tehe.
we have a christmas tree in our apartment. its cute.
so many movies i wanna see! syriana, walk the line, chronicles of narnia, jarhead, and a bunch i cant remember. take me to the movies.
wow im not going to see american's play this year. i forgot. oh well. i guess tonight would be the start of their second weekend? gosh the memories on that stage... and backstage... oh man.
i can be a really mean person sometimes. i think i say mean things to see what it will do something and to to protect myself. its real bad. i gotta stop that.
if you think its appealing to live a miserable, lonely life and shut yourself out from everyone... its not. its stupid.
imma go read the play for my lil kiddies!!!!!!!! |
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